1. «'Automatic' simply means that you can't repair it yourself» (Mary H. Waldrip)
  2. «'Home, Sweet Home' must surely have been written by a bachelor» (Samuel Butler)
  3. «'It can't happen here' is Number 1 on the list of famous last words» (David Crosby, rock singer and musician)
  4. «(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore, (S)ell it» (Anonymous)
  5. «(On a famous pair about to get married) Splendid couple: slept with both of them» (Sir Maurice Bowra)
  6. «(On feminism) Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry» (Gloria Steinham)
  7. «(R)etry, (F)ail, (G)rab a Hammer» (Anonymous)
  8. «... an individual whose appearance was so repulsive I had to have my mirrors insured» (Anonymous)
  9. «A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility at the other» (Anonymous)
  10. «A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain» (Mark Twain)
  11. «A beauty is a woman you notice. A charmer is a woman who notices you» (Anonymous)
  12. «A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead» (Anonymous)
  13. «A blow with a word strikes deeper than a blow with a sword» (Robert Burton, English author and clergyman)
  14. «A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours» (Anonymous)
  15. «A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward» (Anonymous)
  16. «A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other» (Anonymous)
  17. «A cannibal is a guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter» (Jack Benny)
  18. «A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognised» (Anonymous)
  19. «A change of fortune hurts a wise man no more than a change of the moon» (Benjamin Franklin)
  20. «A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs» (Anonymous)
  21. «A city is a large community where people are lonesome together» (Herbert Prochnow)
  22. «A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody has read» (Mark Twain)
  23. «A closed mouth catches no feet!» (Anonymous)
  24. «A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking» (Anonymous)
  25. «A conservative is someone who admires the radicals a century after they're dead» (Anonymous)
  26. «A critic is a man who knows the way, but can't drive the car» (Kenneth Tynan)
  27. «A cult is a religion with no political power» (Tom Wolfe)
  28. «A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin» (H L Mencken)
  29. «A day for firm decisions! Or is it?» (Anonymous)
  30. «A desk is a wastebasket with drawers» (Anonymous)
  31. «A diet is when you watch what you eat and wish you could eat what you watch» (Hermione Gingold)
  32. «A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat» (Anonymous)
  33. «A diplomat is a man who thinks twice before saying nothing» (Frederick Sawyer)
  34. «A diplomat is a woman who always remembers a man's birthday but never remembers his age» (Anonymous)
  35. «A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip» (Anonymous)
  36. «A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself» (Josh Billings)
  37. «A dog will blink when struck with a hammer» (Anonymous)
  38. «A drama critic is a person who surprises the playwright by informing him what he meant» (Anonymous)
  39. «A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to take it off you» (Francoise Sagan)
  40. «A driver is safer when the road is dry; The road is safer when the driver is dry» (Anonymous)
  41. «A dropped tool will land where it can do the most damage. (Also known as the law of selective gravitation)» (Murphy's law)
  42. «A face like a wedding cake left out in the rain» (Anonymous)
  43. «A fail-safe circuit will destroy others» (Murhpy's law)
  44. «A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection» (Murhpy's law)
  45. «A gentleman is one who when he invites a girl up to show her his etchings and shows her his etchings» (Anonymous)
  46. «A girl's best friend are her legs, but even best friends must sometimes be parted» (Anonymous)
  47. «A good cure for insomnia is to get plenty of sleep» (W C Fields)
  48. «A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is brave five minutes longer» (Ralph Waldo Emerson)
  49. «A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something» (Frank Capra)
  50. «A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers» (Anonymous)
  51. «A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer» (Robert Frost)
  52. «A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can't help himself» (Anonymous)
  53. «A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist» (Anonymous)
  54. «A lie can be half way round the world before the truth has got its boots on» (James Callaghan)
  55. «A little caution outflanks a large cavalry» (BISMARCK)
  56. «A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation» (Anonymous)
  57. «A man always has two reasons for what he does: a good one and the real one» (J.P. Morgan)
  58. «A man is incomplete until he has married, then he's finished» (Zsa Zsa Gabor)
  59. «A man needs a wife because sooner or later something is bound to happen that he can't blame on the Government» (Anonymous)
  60. «A man that studieth revenge keeps his own wounds green, which otherwise would heal and do well» (Francis Bacon)
  61. «A man with one watch knows what time it is, a man with two watches is never sure!» (Anonymous)
  62. «A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle» (Anonymous)
  63. «A meeting is where minutes and taken and hours are lost!» (Anonymous)
  64. «A mind is a wonderful thing to waste» (Anonymous)
  65. «A minor operation: one performed on somebody else» (Anonymous)
  66. «A missionary is a person who teaches cannibals to say grace before they eat him» (Anonymous)
  67. «A mistake is evidence that someone has tried to do something» (Anonymous)
  68. «A motor will rotate in the wrong direction» (Murphy's law)
  69. «A narcissist is someone better looking than you are. A glutton is the person who beats you to the last bit of cake» (Anonymous)
  70. «A nation... is just a society for hating foreigners» (Olaf Stapledon)
  71. «A physicist is an atoms way of knowing about atoms» (GEORGE WALD)
  72. «A politician will always be there when he needs you» (Ian Walsh)
  73. «A Psychiatrist is a man who goes to the Follies Bergere and looks at the audience» (Anonymous)
  74. «A real person has two reasons for doing anything... a good reason and the real reason» (Anonymous)
  75. «A really busy person never knows how much he ways» (Anonymous)
  76. «A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard» (Prof. Steiner)
  77. «A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic» (Joseph Stalin)
  78. «A small leak will sink a great ship» (Benjamin Franklin)
  79. «A stranger is just a friend you don't know!» (Anonymous)
  80. «A successful marriage requires falling in love many times but always with the same person» (Anonymous)
  81. «A truly wise man never plays leap frog with a Unicorn» (GhostWriter Cookie)
  82. «A watched pot never burns» (Anonymous)
  83. «A wedding is a happy funeral» (Paul Theroux)
  84. «A wink takes one tenth of a second!» (Anonymous)
  85. «A woman who strives to be like a man lacks ambition» (Anonymous)
  86. «A woman's work is never done by men» (Anonymous)
  87. «A women is a well-served table that one sees with different eyes before and after the meal» (Honore de Balzac)
  88. «A yawn is a silent shout» (G.K. Chesterton)
  89. «A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God» (Anonymous)
  90. «About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends» (Herbert Hoover)
  91. «According to the laws of aerodynamics the bumble bee cannot fly. I guess no one bothered to tell the bee» (Anonymous)
  92. «Acquaintance: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to» (Anonymous)
  93. «Acting is about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made» (Anonymous)
  94. «Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves» (Anonymous)
  95. «Adore: To venerate expectantly» (Anonymous)
  96. «Adventure is the result of poor planning» (Anonymous)
  97. «Advice is seldom welcome; and those who want it the most always like it the least» (Earl of Chesterfield)
  98. «After all is said and done, a lot more has been said than done» (Anonymous)
  99. «Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill» (Anonymous)
  100. «Alas, poor yorlik, I knew him backwards» (Anonymous)
  101. «Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of them keeps paying for it» (Peggy Joyce)
  102. «Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse» (Arthur Baer)
  103. «Alimony: The ransom that the happy pay to the devil» (Anonymous)
  104. «All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others» (George Orwell)
  105. «All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy» (Anonymous)
  106. «All men are born equal but quite a few eventually get over it» (Anonymous)
  107. «All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism» (Anonymous)
  108. «All programs contain errors until proven otherwise , which is impossible» (Anonymous)
  109. «All progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organism to live beyond its means» (Samuel Butler)
  110. «All the animals except man know that the principal business of life is to enjoy it» (Samuel Butler)
  111. «All the world's oceans once fell as tears» (Paul Lutus)
  112. «All wrong-doing is done in the sincere belief that it is the best thing to do» (Arnold Bennet)
  113. «All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure» (Mark Twain)
  114. «Always borrow from a pessimist: he doesn't expect his money back» (Savings bank in New York)
  115. «Always draw your curves then plot the readings» (Anonymous)
  116. «Always hire a rich attorney, BUT never buy from a rich salesman» (Anonymous)
  117. «America is a mistake, a giant mistake» (Sigmund Freud)
  118. «America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks» (Anonymous)
  119. «America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between» (Oscar Wilde)
  120. «An accountant is a man hired to explain that you didn't make the money you did» (Anonymous)
  121. «An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interest he takes in her» (Anonymous)
  122. «An artist never really finishes his work, he merely abandons it» (Paul Valéry)
  123. «An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff» (Aldai Stevenson)
  124. «An Englishman even if he is alone forms an orderly queue of one» (Anonymous)
  125. «An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose» (A. P. Herbert)
  126. «An erection is like the Theory of Relativity: the more you think about it, the harder it gets» (Anonymous)
  127. «An expert is someone who knows no more than you do, but has it better organised and uses slides» (Anonymous)
  128. «An honest politician is one who, when bought, stays bought» (Anonymous)
  129. «An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it» (Anonymous)
  130. «An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself» (Camus)
  131. «An object will fall so as to do the most damage» (Anonymous)
  132. «An optimist is a man who marries his secretary, with the idea that he'll be able to carry on dictating to her!» (Anonymous)
  133. «An optimist is a man who starts a crossword puzzle with a fountain pen» (Anonymous)
  134. «An optimist is someone who thinks the future is uncertain» (Anonymous)
  135. «An optimist is the kind of person who believes a housefly is looking for a way out!» (Anonymous)
  136. «An optimist stays up to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves!» (Anonymous)
  137. «An oyster is a fish built like a nut» (Anonymous)
  138. «An oyster is a fish built like a nut» (Foolish Dictionary)
  139. «An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys» (Anonymous)
  140. «Angels fly because they take themselves lightly» (Ralph Barbiere, KNBR Sports Host)
  141. «Anger is never without a reason but seldom with a good one» (Benjamin Franklin)
  142. «Any given program, when running correctly, is obsolete» (Anonymous)
  143. «Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences» (Isadora Duncan)
  144. «Any man with ambition integrity, and $10 000 000, can start a daily newspaper» (Henry Morgan)
  145. «Any safety factor set as a result of practical experience will be exceeded» (Anonymous)
  146. «Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way» (Anonymous)
  147. «Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it» (Anonymous)
  148. «Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object» (Anonymous)
  149. «Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic» (Arthur C. Clark)
  150. «Any system that depends upon human reliability is unreliable» (Anonymous)
  151. «Any wire cut to length will be too short» (Murphy's law)
  152. «Anyone can afford hate. It costs you to love» (JOHN WILLIAMSON)
  153. «Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough» (Anonymous)
  154. «Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad» (W.C.Fields)
  155. «Anyone who looks for a source of power in the transformation of the atom is talking moonshine» (Sir Ernest Rutherford)
  156. «Applause is the spur of noble minds, the end and aim of weak ones» (C. C. Colton)
  157. «As a boy he swallowed a teaspoon. And he hasn't stirred since» (Anonymous)
  158. «As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality» (Albert Einstein)
  159. «As pride increases fortune declines» (Benjamin Franklin)
  160. «As the island of our knowledge grows, so does the shore of our ignorance» (John Wheeler)
  161. «Ask a silly person, get a silly answer» (Anonymous)
  162. «Ask yourself whether you are happy, and you will cease to be so» (John Stewart Mill)
  163. «Assassination is an extreme form of censorship» (George Bernard Shaw)
  164. «Assume no-one can or will keep a secret!» (Anonymous)
  165. «Astronauts are out to launch» (Anonymous)
  166. «Astronomy compels the soul to look upward and leads us from this world to another» (Plato)
  167. «At six I was left an orphan. What on earth is a six-year-old supposed to do with an orphan?» (Anonymous)
  168. «At the beach the Real Programmer is the one doodling machine code into the sand» (Anonymous)
  169. «Atheism is a non-prophet organization» (Anonymous)
  170. «Bachelors know more about women than married men. If they did not they would have married too» (Johann Wolfgang von Goethe)
  171. «Bachelors should be heavily taxed; it is not fair that some men should be happier than others» (Oscar Wilde)
  172. «Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic» (Anonymous)
  173. «Bad spellers of the world. Untie!» (Graffiti)
  174. «BASIC is to PASCAL what AMERICAN is to ENGLISH (English pascal programmer)» (Anonymous)
  175. «Basic research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing» (Wernher Von Braun)
  176. «Be an optimist: at least until they start moving animals in pairs to Cape Kennedy» (Current Comedy)
  177. «Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or situations that can't bear inspection» (Anonymous)
  178. «Be careful of reading health books. You may die of a misprint» (Mark Twain)
  179. «Be careful of your thoughts; they may become words at any moment» (Iara Gassen)
  180. «Be happy. It is a way of being wise» (Colette)
  181. «Be nice to people on your way up because you'll need them on your way down» (Wilson Mizner)
  182. «Be Yourself! There isn't anyone better qualified» (Anonymous)
  183. «Beauty is only skin deep but Ugly goes straight to the bone» (Anonymous)
  184. «Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs» (Anonymous)
  185. «Before you marry keep both eyes open, after you marry keep one shut!» (Proverb)
  186. «Behind every successful man stands a very surprised Mother-In-Law» (Anonymous)
  187. «Behold the warranty...the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away» (Anonymous)
  188. «Best file compression around! "DEL *.*" .. that's 100% compression» (Anonymous)
  189. «Beware of Quantum ducks (Quark!Quark!Quark!)» (Anonymous)
  190. «Beware of the man who won't be bothered with details» (William Feather, Sr)
  191. «Beyond each corner new directions lie in wait» (Stanislaw Lec)
  192. «Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same thing» (Anonymous)
  193. «Birth: The first and direst of all disasters» (Anonymous)
  194. «Blessed are the inept for they will inherit the skies» (Anonymous)
  195. «Blessed is he who expects no gratitude for he shall not be disappointed» (Anonymous)
  196. «Boob's Law: You always find something in the last place you look» (Anonymous)
  197. «Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen» (Anonymous)
  198. «Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think» (Ambrose Bierce)
  199. «Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both» (Samuel Butler)
  200. «Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it!» (Shaw's principle)
  201. «Buses turn up within seconds of your lighting a cigarette» (Anonymous)
  202. «By breaking the seal of this envelope, you accept the terms of the enclosed licence agreement!» (Anonymous)
  203. «By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail» (Anonymous)
  204. «By persistently remaining single, a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation» (Oscar Wilde)
  205. «By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day» (Anonymous)
  206. «California is a fine place to live, if you happen to be an orange» (Fred Allen)
  207. «Calm down. It's only ones and zeros» (Anonymous)
  208. «Cannibals are not vegetarians. They are humanitarians» (Anonymous)
  209. «Chastity is its own punishment» (Anonymous)
  210. «Chastity is the most unnatural of the sexual perversions» (Remy de Gourmont)
  211. «Chemists never die, they just don't react» (Anonymous)
  212. «Children and elephants NEVER forget» (Anonymous)
  213. «Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners» (Anonymous)
  214. «Christ: A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time» (Anonymous)
  215. «Cigarette: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in between» (Anonymous)
  216. «Civilization is a movement, not a condition; it is a voyage, not a harbour» (Anonymous)
  217. «Civilization is a voyage, not a harbour» (Toynbee)
  218. «Clean your finger before you point at my spots» (Benjamin Franklin)
  219. «Clones are people two» (Anonymous)
  220. «Colonel Cathcart had never hesitated to volunteer his men for any target available» (Anonymous)
  221. «Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious» (Peter Ustinov)
  222. «Comedy, like sodomy, is an unnatural act» (Marty Feldman)
  223. «Components that must not and cannot be assembled improperly will be» (Murhpy's law)
  224. «Computer: a device designed to speed and automate errors» (Anonymous)
  225. «Computers run on faith, not electrons» (T.N.Thompson)
  226. «Conform, go crazy, or become an artist» (Anonymous)
  227. «CONFUCIUS SAY: "Man who put penis in peanut butter is fucking nuts."» (Anonymous)
  228. «CONFUCIUS SAY: "Woman like oven: must make hot before put meat in."» (Anonymous)
  229. «Conistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative» (Oscar Wilde)
  230. «Conscience gets alot of credit that belongs to cold feet» (Anonymous)
  231. «Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking» (H. L. Mencken)
  232. «Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good» (Anonymous)
  233. «Conserve water: dilute it!» (Anonymous)
  234. «Content makes poor men rich; discontent makes rich men poor» (Benjamin Franklin)
  235. «Conversation: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener» (Anonymous)
  236. «Courage is fear holding on a minute longer» (Anonymous)
  237. «Courtship is to marriage as a very witty prologue is to a dull play» (William Congreve)
  238. «Creative minds always have been known to survive any kind of bad training» (Anna Freud)
  239. «Critics can't even make music by rubbing their back legs together» (Mel Brooks)
  240. «Culture is roughly anything we do and the monkeys don't» (Lord Raglan)
  241. «Cynicism is an unpleasant way of saying the truth» (Lillian Hellman)
  242. «Dain Bramaged» (Anonymous)
  243. «Dead people are cool» (Graffiti)
  244. «Death is hereditary» (Ian Browne)
  245. «Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired» (R. Geis)
  246. «Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings» (Anonymous)
  247. «Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'» (Anonymous)
  248. «Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down» (Anonymous)
  249. «Death meant little to me. It was the last joke in a series of bad jokes» (Charles Bukowski)
  250. «Democracy consists of choosing your dictators after they've told you what you want to hear» (Anonymous)
  251. «Did you hear about the wooden car? Wooden (wouldn't) go!» (Anonymous)
  252. «Diets are for those who are thick and tired of it» (Anonymous)
  253. «Digital circuits are made from analog parts» (Anonymous)
  254. «Disco: a large group of people sweating in nice clothes» (Anonymous)
  255. «Do not merely believe in miracles: rely on them» (Anonymous)
  256. «Do your kids a favour: don't have any» (Anonymous)
  257. «Do your kids a favour: don't have any» (Robert Orben)
  258. «Don't be afraid to take a big step. You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps» (David Lloyd George)
  259. «Don't be indispensable. If you can't be replaced you can't be promoted» (Anonymous)
  260. «Don't debate with fools» (Chanakya Pandit, 350-275 B.C)
  261. «Don't fight forces; use them» (Anonymous)
  262. «Don't force it, get a larger hammer» (Anonymous)
  263. «Don't go to work, there's a lot to do» (Graffiti)
  264. «Don't hate yourself in the morning: sleep till noon!» (Anonymous)
  265. «Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it» (Anonymous)
  266. «Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them» (Anonymous)
  267. «Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment» (Anonymous)
  268. «Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together» (Carl Zwanzig)
  269. «Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders has been discontinued» (Anonymous)
  270. «Due to the economic situation the light at the end of the tunnel has been switched off» (Anonymous)
  271. «Early in life I noticed that no event is ever correctly reported in a newspaper» (George Orwell)
  272. «Earth is a great funhouse without the fun» (Jeff Berner)
  273. «Easter is cancelled this year. They've found the body» (Graffiti)
  274. «Education... has produced a vast population able to read but unable to distinguish what is worth reading» (Anonymous)
  275. «Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness» (Anonymous)
  276. «Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me» (Anonymous)
  277. «Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers» (Anonymous)
  278. «Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped» (Groucho Marx)
  279. «Elevators smell different to midgets» (Anonymous)
  280. «Enough research will tend to support your theory» (Anonymous)
  281. «Entropy isn't what it used to be» (Anonymous)
  282. «Etiquette is knowing which fingers to put in your mouth when you whistle for the waiter» (Anonymous)
  283. «Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there» (Will Rogers)
  284. «Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you just how busy they are» (Anonymous)
  285. «Ever try to round off infinity?» (Anonymous)
  286. «Everthing human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow» (Mark Twain)
  287. «Every absurdity has a champion to defend it» (Anonymous)
  288. «Every artist was first an amateur» (Ralph Emerson)
  289. «Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course» (Anonymous)
  290. «Every man is wrong until he cries, and then he is right, instantly» (Anonymous)
  291. «Every solution breeds new problems» (Anonymous)
  292. «Every time I lose weight, it finds me again!» (Anonymous)
  293. «Every Titanic has its iceberg» (Anonymous)
  294. «Every woman is a rebel, and usually in wild revolt against herself» (Oscar Wilde)
  295. «Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens» (Anonymous)
  296. «Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be taught how NOT to. So it is with the great programmers» (Anonymous)
  297. «Everyone should live within his means these days, even if he has to borrow to do it» (Anonymous)
  298. «Everything evens up. As you have less hair to comb you have more face to wash. Groucho Marx» (Anonymous)
  299. «Everything put together falls apart sooner or later» (Anonymous)
  300. «Exercise is best started gradually. Today I shall attempt to register a pulse» (Anonymous)
  301. «Experience is a good teacher, but her fees are very high» (W.R. Inge)
  302. «Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it» (Anonymous)
  303. «Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again» (F. P. Jones)
  304. «Experience is the comb that life gives you once you've lost your hair» (Andy Dodgson)
  305. «Experience is the hardest kind of teacher. It gives you the test first, and the lesson afterward» (Anonymous)
  306. «Experience: the comb life gives us after we have lost our hair» (Anonymous)
  307. «Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail in the same way» (Anonymous)
  308. «Eye witnesses were on the scene in minutes» (Adam Boulton)
  309. «Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers» (Anonymous)
  310. «Fanaticism consists of redoubling your efforts when you have forgotten your aim» (George Santayana)
  311. «Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months» (Oscar Wilde)
  312. «Features should be discovered, not documented» (Anonymous)
  313. «Fight crime: Shoot back!» (Anonymous)
  314. «File names are infinite in length where infinity is set to 255 characters» (Peter Collinson)
  315. «Flattery must be pretty thick before anybody. objects to it» (William Feather)
  316. «For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong» (H. L. Mencken)
  317. «For suspense it's hard to beat the period after the mosquito in the bedroom stops buzzing» (Anonymous)
  318. «Friends are those rare people who ask how you are and wait to hear the answer. Ed Cunningham» (Anonymous)
  319. «Friends: people who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them» (Anonymous)
  320. «Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when you die your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck» (Anonymous)
  321. «Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something» (Wilson Mizner)
  322. «Garlic Gum is not funny» (Written on chalkboard (The Simpsons))
  323. «Genius is the talent of a person who is dead» (Anonymous)
  324. «German is the most extravagantly ugly language. It sounds like someone using a sick bag on a 747» (Anonymous)
  325. «Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please» (Mark Twain)
  326. «Give me the luxuries of life and I will willingly do without the necessities» (Frank Lloyd Wright)
  327. «Give teachers more pay! So they can retire immediately!» (Anonymous)
  328. «God gives burdens; also shoulders» (Anonymous)
  329. «God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh» (Voltaire)
  330. «God is alive- he just doesn't want to get involved» (Anonymous)
  331. «God is dead. But don't worry: the Virgin Mary is pregnant again» (Anonymous)
  332. «God is not dead but alive and well, working on a much less ambitious project» (Graffiti)
  333. «God is not dead. He is alive and autographing bibles» (Anonymous)
  334. «God is real. Unless declared integer» (Anonymous)
  335. «God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place» (Anonymous)
  336. «God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh» (Anonymous)
  337. «God seems to have left the receiver off the hook and time is running out» (Arthur Koestler)
  338. «God was scraping the bottom when he made man» (Anonymous)
  339. «God wisely designed the human body so that we can neither pat our own backs nor kick ourselves too easily» (Anonymous)
  340. «Golf is a walk spoiled» (Mark Twain)
  341. «Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example» (La Rouchefoucauld)
  342. «Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere» (Helen Gurley-Brown)
  343. «Good humour sometimes wins battles that force and reason lose» (Anonymous)
  344. «Good judgement comes from experience; and experience, well, that comes from bad judgement» (Anonymous)
  345. «Gossip is the art of saying nothing in such a way that leaves practically nothing unsaid» (Anonymous)
  346. «Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't» (Anonymous)
  347. «Grab them by the balls: the hearts and minds will follow» (Anonymous)
  348. «Gravity brings me down» (Anonymous)
  349. «Gravity doesn't exist: the earth sucks» (Anonymous)
  350. «Great Spirit, help me never to judge another until I have walked in his moccasins for two weeks» (Sioux Indian Prayer)
  351. «Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocres. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence» (Albert Einstein)
  352. «Half the world is composed of people who have something to say & can't & the other half who have nothing to say & keep on saying it» (Anonymous)
  353. «Half-wits talk much but say little» (Benjamin Franklin)
  354. «Happiness is good health and a bad memory» (Anonymous)
  355. «Hardware: anything which hurts when you bang your head on it» (Anonymous)
  356. «Have you heard about the cannibal who loved fast foods? He ordered pizza with everyone on it!» (Anonymous)
  357. «Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk?» (Anonymous)
  358. «He knew everything about literature, except how to enjoy it» (Joseph Heller)
  359. «He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered» (Anonymous)
  360. «He that lieth down with the dogs shall rise up with fleas» (Benjamin Franklin)
  361. «He that would live in peace and at ease must not speak all he knows nor judge all he sees» (Benjamin Franklin)
  362. «He that would perfect his work must first sharpen his tools» (Confucius)
  363. «He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold» (Anonymous)
  364. «He told her her stockings were wrinkled. Trouble was she wasn't wearing any» (Anonymous)
  365. «He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever» (Chinese Proverb)
  366. «He who hesitates is lost, but look before you leap!» (Anonymous)
  367. «He who laughs last didn't get the joke» (Anonymous)
  368. «He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth» (Anonymous)
  369. «He who moves mountains is he who starts by removing the stones» (Anonymous)
  370. «He who multiplies riches multiplies cares» (Benjamin Franklin)
  371. «He's a distinguished man of letters. He works for the Post Office» (Anonymous)
  372. «He's so small he's the only man I know who has turn-ups on his underpants» (Anonymous)
  373. «He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed» (Anonymous)
  374. «Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die» (Anonymous)
  375. «Heroism is endurance for one moment more» (Anonymous)
  376. «High heels were invented by a women who had been kissed on the forehead» (Christopher Morley)
  377. «His eyes are so bad, he has to wear contact lenses to see his glasses» (Anonymous)
  378. «History is too serious to be left to historians» (Anonymous)
  379. «Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account» (Anonymous)
  380. «Hold a hard drive to your ear. Listen to the C:» (Anonymous)
  381. «Hollywood: A place where they shoot too many pictures and not enough actors» (Walter Winchell)
  382. «How come wrong numbers are never busy?» (Anonymous)
  383. «How do I set my Laserprinter to "Stun"?» (Anonymous)
  384. «How does Uri Geller eat his soup?» (Anonymous)
  385. «How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on!» (Anonymous)
  386. «How many ears must you have to use quadrophonic headphones?» (Anonymous)
  387. «How many observe Christ's Birthday; How few his Precepts!» (Benjamin Franklin)
  388. «How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers» (Rossini)
  389. «Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe» (H. G. Wells)
  390. «Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs» (Anonymous)
  391. «Husbands are like fires. They go out if unattended» (Zsa Zsa Gabor)
  392. «Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got» (Anonymous)
  393. «I agree with everything you are saying but I must admit you are wrong» (Anonymous)
  394. «I am a computer. As such I never have or will make a mistake or error (I thought i did once, but I was wrong)» (Anonymous)
  395. «I am a marvellous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house» (Zsa Zsa Gabor)
  396. «I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today» (William Allen White)
  397. «I believe in Santa Claus, and computers are never wrong. So there!» (Anonymous)
  398. «I bet you I could stop gambling» (Anonymous)
  399. «I couldn't care less about apathy» (Anonymous)
  400. «I did not see Elvis» (Written on chalkboard (The Simpsons))
  401. «I didn't know it was impossible when I did it» (Anonymous)
  402. «I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use» (Galileo Galilei)
  403. «I don't drink water. Fish make love in it» (W. C. Fields)
  404. «I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem» (Ashleigh Brilliant)
  405. «I don't necessarily agree with everything I say» (Marshall McLuhan)
  406. «I don't practice what I preach because I'm not the kind of person I preach to» (Bob Dobbs)
  407. «I don't want any Yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs» (Anonymous)
  408. «I drink to make other people interesting» (George Jean Nathan)
  409. «I figure I'm pretty good with the bullshit but I love listening to an expert. Keep talking» (Anonymous)
  410. «I have not lost my mind: it's backed up on disk somewhere» (Anonymous)
  411. «I have nothing to declare except my genius» (Oscar Wilde)
  412. «I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months: I don't like to interrupt her» (Ken Dodd)
  413. «I hope we never live to see the day when a thing is as bad as some of our newspapers make it» (Anonymous)
  414. «I keep reading between the lies» (Goodman Ace)
  415. «I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio» (Joan Rivers)
  416. «I know you think you understood what I said, but what you heard was not what I meant» (Anonymous)
  417. «I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me» (Anonymous)
  418. «I like the whiskey old and the women young» (Errol Flynn)
  419. «I like two kinds of men: domestic and foreign» (Mae West)
  420. «I like work... I can sit and watch it for hours» (Anonymous)
  421. «I look forward to an America which will not be afraid of grace and beauty» (John F. Kennedy)
  422. «I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent» (Ashleigh Brilliant)
  423. «I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception» (Groucho Marx)
  424. «I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late» (Anonymous)
  425. «I never met a kid I liked» (W C Fields)
  426. «I never used to be able to finish anything, but now I» (Graffiti)
  427. «I read the newspaper avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction» (Anonymous)
  428. «I really hate this damn machine, I wish that I could sell it. It never does just what I want, But only what I tell it» (Everybody)
  429. «I think I could fall madly in bed with you» (Anonymous)
  430. «I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability» (Oscar Wilde)
  431. «I tried to drown my sorrows but they can swim» (Anonymous)
  432. «I use not only all the brains I have, but all I can borrow» (Woodrow Wilson)
  433. «I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure» (Anonymous)
  434. «I used to be schizophrenic but now I'm lonely» (Anonymous)
  435. «I used to be schizophrenic, but now I'm lonely» (Anonymous)
  436. «I used to be schizophrenic, but we're alright now» (Anonymous)
  437. «I want to be what I was when I started to be what I am now» (Anonymous)
  438. «I was brought up in a clergyman's house so I am a first-class liar» (Dame Sybil Thorndike)
  439. «I was going to be a juggler, but things got out of hand!» (Anonymous)
  440. «I was the first woman to burn my bra: it took the fire department four days to put it out» (Dolly Parton)
  441. «I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth» (Chico Marx)
  442. «I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks» (Joe E Lewis)
  443. «I will never be an old man. To me old age is always fifteen years older than I am» (Anonymous)
  444. «I will not belch the National Anthem» (Written on chalkboard (The Simpsons))
  445. «I will not encourage others to fly» (Written on chalkboard (The Simpsons))
  446. «I will not skateboard down the halls» (Written on chalkboard (The Simpsons))
  447. «I will not trade pants with others» (Written on chalkboard (The Simpsons))
  448. «I will not waste chalk» (Written on chalkboard (The Simpsons))
  449. «I will not xerox my butt» (Written on chalkboard (The Simpsons))
  450. «I work so fast you can't see me move» (Anonymous)
  451. «I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice» (Anonymous)
  452. «I'd rather be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother» (Charles Pierce)
  453. «I'm allergic to nuclear radiation» (Anonymous)
  454. «I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way» (Carl Sandburg)
  455. «I'm FINE!!! (Frantic, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional..)» (Anonymous)
  456. «I'm not as dumb as you look» (Anonymous)
  457. «I'm not as think as you drunk I am!» (Anonymous)
  458. «I'm not cynical. Just experienced» (Anonymous)
  459. «I'm not loafing. I work so fast I'm always finished» (Anonymous)
  460. «I've just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there» (Anonymous)
  461. «I've never met a healthy person who worried much about his health or a good person who worried much about his soul» (Haldane)
  462. «Ideas "off the top of the head" are like dandruff: small and flaky» (Anonymous)
  463. «If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself» (Dorothy Law Nolte)
  464. «If a frog had wings he would not bump his arse so much!» (Unknown (Seen on television))
  465. «If a loafer is not a nuisance to you, it is a sign that you are somewhat of a loafer yourself» (Anonymous)
  466. «If Adam and Eve were alive today, they would probably sue the snake» (Bern Williams)
  467. «If all else fails, lower your standards» (Anonymous)
  468. «If all else fails... Think!» (Anonymous)
  469. «If at first you don't succeed, destroy all the evidence!» (Anonymous)
  470. «If at first you don't succeed, so much for sky-diving!» (Anonymous)
  471. «If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization» (Anonymous)
  472. «If Columbus had an advisory committee he would probably still be at the dock» (Anonymous)
  473. «If computers get too powerful,we can organize them into a committee...that will do them in» (Bradley's Bromide)
  474. «If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods» (Anonymous)
  475. «If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane!» (Anonymous)
  476. «If God had intended for us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter» (Anonymous)
  477. «If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads» (Anonymous)
  478. «If God had wanted us to walk around naked we would have been born that way» (Anonymous)
  479. «If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all his windows» (Yiddish saying)
  480. «If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?» (Abraham Lincoln)
  481. «If it ain't broken, don't fix it!» (John Farnum)
  482. «If it can't be done, stop doing it!» (Mad Magazine)
  483. «If it looks easy, it's tough. if it looks tough, it's damn near impossible» (Anonymous)
  484. «If little else, the brain is an educational toy» (Anonymous)
  485. «If love is the answer, can you rephrase the question?» (Lily Tomlin)
  486. «If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by the page number» (Anonymous)
  487. «If my doctor told me I only had six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster» (Isaac Asimov)
  488. «If only God would give me some clear sign, like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank» (Woody Allen)
  489. «If only I had a little humility, I would be perfect» (Ted Turner)
  490. «If only we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time» (Anonymous)
  491. «If passion drives, let reason hold the reins» (Benjamin Franklin)
  492. «If poetry comes not as naturally as the leaves to a tree, it better not come at all» (John Keats)
  493. «If rain went up, it would put out the sun» (Anonymous)
  494. «If the aborigine drafted an I.Q. test, all of Western civilization would presumably flunk it» (Stanley Garn)
  495. «If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of» (Anonymous)
  496. «If the human brain were simple enough for us to understand, we'd be so simple we couldn't» (Anonymous)
  497. «If the input editor has been designed to reject all bad input, an ingenious idiot will discover a method to get bad data past it» (Anonymous)
  498. «If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong» (Anonymous)
  499. «If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?» (Art Hoppe)
  500. «If they give you ruled paper write the other way» (Anonymous)
  501. «If they only married when they fell in love most people would die unwed» (Robert Louis Stevenson)
  502. «If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?» (Anonymous)
  503. «If u cn rd ths u cn bcm a c prgmr» (Anonymous)
  504. «If u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd» (Anonymous)
  505. «If voting changed anything they'd make it illegal» (Anonymous)
  506. «If we make peaceful revolution impossible, we make violent revolution inevitable» (John F. Kennedy)
  507. «If Winter comes can Spring be far behind?» (Anonymous)
  508. «If you become a success, you don't change: everyone else does» (Kirk Douglas)
  509. «If you can carry your childhood with you, you never become older» (Abraham Sutzkever)
  510. «If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars» (J. Paul Getty)
  511. «If you can look through a keyhole with both eyes, then you are obviously narrow minded» (Anonymous)
  512. «If you can't beat them, join them» (Anoymous)
  513. «If you can't handle the heat get out of the kitchen» (Anonymous)
  514. «If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly» (Anonymous)
  515. «If you can't see the bright side, polish the dull side» (Anonymous)
  516. «If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost» (Anonymous)
  517. «If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will» (Anonymous)
  518. «If you find a starving dog & make him prosperous, he'll not bite you. This is the difference between dogs & men» (Mark Twain)
  519. «If you give me six lines written by the most honest man, I will find something in them to hang him» (Cardinal Richelieu)
  520. «If you hail a taxi, your bus trundles into view just as you get in» (Anonymous)
  521. «If you have nothing to do, do not do it here!» (Anonymous)
  522. «If you have wet dreams take an umbrella to bed with you» (Anonymous)
  523. «If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper» (Anonymous)
  524. «If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back to you, hunt it down and kill it» (Anonymous)
  525. «If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think they'll hate you» (Anonymous)
  526. «If you marry you will regret it. If you do not marry, you will also regret it» (Soren Kierkegaard)
  527. «If you see an onion ring, answer it!» (Anonymous)
  528. «If you start to walk, a bus appears when you are exactly halfway between stops» (Anonymous)
  529. «If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem» (Anonymous)
  530. «If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep» (Anonymous)
  531. «If you're in jazz and more than ten people like you you're labelled 'commercial'» (Anonymous)
  532. «If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down» (Anonymous)
  533. «Imagination is more important than knowledge» (Albert Einstein)
  534. «Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality» (Jules de Gaultier)
  535. «In a million years it won't make any difference» (Anonymous)
  536. «In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant» (Will Durst)
  537. «In the land of the blind One-Eye is king!» (Anonymous)
  538. «In the long run, every program becomes rococo and then rubble» (Alan Perlis)
  539. «In the old days men had the rack, now they have the press» (Oscar Wilde)
  540. «In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants and the other is getting it» (Oscar Wilde)
  541. «In this world, nothing can be said to be certain except death and taxes» (Benjamin Franklin)
  542. «In war there are only losers» (Anonymous)
  543. «Ingrate: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion» (Anonymous)
  544. «Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over» (Anonymous)
  545. «Inspite of all the evidence to the contrary the entire universe is composed of two basic substances: Magic and Bullshit» (Anonymous)
  546. «Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?» (Mae West)
  547. «Is there life before death?» (Belfast Graffito)
  548. «Isn't it strange? The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune-tellers take economists seriously» (anonymous)
  549. «It has been said that the primary function of schools is to impart enough facts to make children stop asking questions. Some, with whom the schools do not succeed, become scientists» (Knut Schmidt-Nielsen)
  550. «It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value» (Anonymous)
  551. «It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education» (Albert Einstein)
  552. «It is a sin to believe evil of others, but it is seldom a mistake» (H L Mencken)
  553. «It is always brave to say what everyone thinks» (Georges Duhamel)
  554. «It is appallingly obvious that our technology exceeds our humanity» (Albert Einstein)
  555. «It is bad luck to be superstitious» (Andrew W. Mathis)
  556. «It is better to be stupid like everyone than to be clever like no one» (Anonymous)
  557. «It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt» (Voltaire)
  558. «It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them» (Alfred Adler)
  559. «It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so ingenious» (anonymous)
  560. «It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem» (Anonymous)
  561. «It is not impossible to govern the Italians, it is merely useless» (Benito Mussolini)
  562. «It is not what we do, but also what we do not do, for which we are accountable» (Moliere)
  563. «It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of leading causes of statistics» (Fletcher Knebel)
  564. «It is very unlucky to be superstitious!» (Anonymous)
  565. «It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too good either if you speak when your head is empty» (Anonymous)
  566. «It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others» (Anonymous)
  567. «It takes a lot of experience for a girl to kiss like a beginner» (Ladie's Home Journal)
  568. «It took only 50 years for movies to go from silent to unspeakable!» (Doug Larson)
  569. «It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech» (Mark Twain)
  570. «It was so cold that we opened the fridge to warm the house!» (Anonymous)
  571. «It's alright letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back» (Mick Jagger)
  572. «It's always easy to see both sides of an issue we are not particularly concerned about» (Anonymous)
  573. «It's better to have a gun and not need it than to need a gun and not have it» (Anonymous)
  574. «It's difficult to soar with eagles when you work with turkeys» (Anonymous)
  575. «It's easier to get forgiveness than permission» (Stewart's Law Retroaction in Murphy's Law, Book Two)
  576. «It's easy to be brave from a safe distance» (Anonymous)
  577. «It's hard to be serious when you're naked» (Anonymous)
  578. «It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys» (Anonymous)
  579. «It's impossible to ravish me, I'm so willing» (John Fletcher)
  580. «It's like a new pair of underpants; at first it's restrictive, but after a while it becomes part of you!» (Wayne's World)
  581. «It's not easy taking my problems one at a time when they refuse to get in line» (Ashleigh Brilliant)
  582. «It's not the things we don't know that get us into trouble; it's the things we do know that aint so» (Will Rogers)
  583. «It's not the world that's got so much worse but the news coverage that's got so much better» (G K Chesterton)
  584. «It's what you can't see that can kill you» (Anonymous)
  585. «Its going to be fun to watch and see how long the meek can keep the earth after they inherit it» (Anonymous)
  586. «Jogging is 50% mental. PANT, PANT, JOG, SWEAT, JOG, SWEAT. I'll work the other 50% off some other time!!» (Anonymous)
  587. «Jury: twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer» (Anonymous)
  588. «Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is» (Anonymous)
  589. «Just when you see the light at the end of the tunnel, the roof caves in» (Anonymous)
  590. «Justice: A decision in your favour» (Anonymous)
  591. «Keep it as simple as possible, but no simpler» (Albert Einstein)
  592. «Keep thy eyes wide open before marriage and half shut afterwards» (Thomas Fuller)
  593. «Keep track of what you do; someone is bound to ask!» (Anonymous)
  594. «Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid; Open it and you remove all doubt» (Anonymous)
  595. «Ketterling's Law: Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence» (Anonymous)
  596. «Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic» (Anonymous)
  597. «Kleptomaniac: A rich thief» (Anonymous)
  598. «Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A» (Anonymous)
  599. «Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone» (Anthony Burgess)
  600. «Laugh at your problems; everybody else does» (Anonymous)
  601. «Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects» (Anonymous)
  602. «Laughter is the sensation of feeling good all over and showing it principally in one spot» (Anonymous)
  603. «Learning music by reading about it is like making love by mail» (Luciano Pavarotti)
  604. «Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse» (Anonymous)
  605. «Let everyone sweep in front of his own door, and the whole world will be clean» (Göthe)
  606. «Let not the sands of time get in your lunch» (Anonymous)
  607. «Let us never negotiate out of fear, but let us never fear to negotiate» (John F. Kennedy)
  608. «Let us so endeavor to live, that when we come to die, even the undertaker will be sorry» (Mark Twain)
  609. «Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it» (Anonymous)
  610. «Life crisis: (A)bort (R)etry (I)gnore» (Anonymous)
  611. «Life is a hereditary disease» (Anonymous)
  612. «Life is a maze in which we take the wrong turning before we have learned to walk» (Cyril Connolly)
  613. «Life is a sexually transmitted terminal illness» (Anonymous)
  614. «Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string» (Anonymous)
  615. «Life is like an onion. You peel off layer after layer, then you find there is nothing in it» (Anonymous)
  616. «Life is like riding a bicycle. You don't fall off unless you stop peddling» (Anonymous)
  617. «Life is too short for men to take it seriously» (George Bernard Shaw)
  618. «Life is what happens to us while we're making other plans» (John Lennon)
  619. «Life's a journey, not a destination» (Aerosmith)
  620. «Lighthouse: A tall building on the seashore in which the government maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician» (Anonymous)
  621. «Live each day as if it is were your last because one day you'll be right!» (Loe Buscaglia)
  622. «Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells awful» (Anonymous)
  623. «Long hours don't mean anything, results count not effort» (Anonymous)
  624. «Love is blind, but marriage restores its sight» (George Christoph Lichtenberg)
  625. «Love is like war: easy to begin, but very hard to stop» (H L Mencken)
  626. «Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence» (H. L. Mencken)
  627. «Love letters are the campaign promises of the heart» (Robert Friedman)
  628. «Love thy neighbors, but don't pull down the fence» (Chinese proverb)
  629. «Love your neighbor, but don't get caught» (Anonymous)
  630. «Lunatic Asylum: The place where optimism most flourishes» (Anonymous)
  631. «Machines should work. People should think» (Anonymous)
  632. «Make dust, or eat it» (Anonymous)
  633. «Make three consecutive correct guesses and you will be considered an expert» (Anonymous)
  634. «Man are those creatures with two legs and eight hands» (Jayne Mansfield)
  635. «Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to» (Mark Twain)
  636. «Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else, unless it is an enemy» (A. Einstein)
  637. «Man will occasionally stumble over the truth but most times he will pick himself up and carry on» (Winston Churchill)
  638. «Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success» (Jim Backus)
  639. «Marilyn Monroe? A vacuum with nipples» (Otto Preminger)
  640. «Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention» (Anonymous)
  641. «Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy» (Mexican proverb)
  642. «Marriage is the price men pay for sex, sex is the price women pay for marriage» (Anonymous)
  643. «Marriage isn't a process of prolonging the life of love but of mummifying the corpse» (Anonymous)
  644. «Marriage: a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters in prose» (Beverley Nichols)
  645. «Martyrdom is the only way in which a man can become famous without ability» (Anonymous)
  646. «Masturbation is great, and you don't have to take your hand out to dinner afterwards and talk to it about its problems» (Anonymous)
  647. «Maybe I'm lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction» (Anonymous)
  648. «Maybe this world is another planet's hell» (Aldous Huxley)
  649. «Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it» (Anonymous)
  650. «Mediocrity thrives on standardization» (Anonymous)
  651. «Meditation is not what you think» (Anonymous)
  652. «Meetings are indispensable when you don't want to do anything» (J K Galbraith)
  653. «Menu: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of» (Anonymous)
  654. «Met a guy this morning with a glass eye. He didn't tell me, it just came out in the conversation» (Anonymous)
  655. «Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms» (Groucho Marx)
  656. «Military justice is to justice what military music is to music» (Groucho Marx)
  657. «Minds are like parachutes: they only function when open» (Anonymous)
  658. «Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market» (Anonymous)
  659. «Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative» (Anonymous)
  660. «Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings» (Anonymous)
  661. «Modesty is the art of encouraging people to find out for themselves how wonderful you are» (Anonymous)
  662. «Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware of it» (Anonymous)
  663. «Money is like an arm or leg: use it or lose it» (Henry Ford)
  664. «Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired» (Anonymous)
  665. «Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work» (Anonymous)
  666. «Murphy's Law only fails when you try to demonstrate it» (Anonymous)
  667. «My computer NEVER loc» (Anonymous)
  668. «My father says that condoms don't work» (Anonymous)
  669. «My girlfriend just found out she's been taking aspirin instead of the pill. Well at least she doesn't have a headache, but I do» (Anonymous)
  670. «My inferiority complexes aren't as good as yours» (Anonymous)
  671. «My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot» (Ashleigh Brilliant)
  672. «My son has taken up doing meditation. At least it's better than sitting doing nothing» (Anonymous)
  673. «My wife does wonderful things with leftovers: she throws them out» (Anonymous)
  674. «Nastiest number plate seen on a Mercedes: "WAS HIS"» (Anonymous)
  675. «Neutrinos have bad breadth» (Anonymous)
  676. «Never allow your child to call you by your first name. He hasn't known you long enough» (Anonymous)
  677. «Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity» (Anonymous)
  678. «Never could any increase of comfort or security be a sufficient good to be bought at the price of liberty» (Hilaire Belloc)
  679. «Never enter a battle of wits unarmed» (Anonymous)
  680. «Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose» (Anonymous)
  681. «Never go to a doctor's office whose office plants have died» (Erma Bombeck)
  682. «Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist» (Anonymous)
  683. «Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river» (Cordel Hull)
  684. «Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing» (Anonymous)
  685. «Never let your studies interfere with your education» (Anonymous)
  686. «Never mistake knowledge for wisdom» (Sandra Carey)
  687. «Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid all together» (Anonymous)
  688. «Never sharpen your claws on a waterbed» (Garfield (Jim Davis))
  689. «Never try to out-stubborn a cat» (Anonymous)
  690. «Never underestimate a woman unless you are discussing her age or weight» (Anonymous)
  691. «Never underestimate the power of human stupidity» (Anonymous)
  692. «Newest Software Idea: "Curtains for Windows"» (Anonymous)
  693. «No amount of observations of white swans can allow the inference that all swans are white, but the observation of a single black swan is sufficient to refute that conclusion» (Karl Popper)